20 best jokes from British comedians

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You’ve heard it before, but it really is true: laughter is the best medicine. Not only does having a giggle improve your mood, it also boasts a variety of actual health benefits.

Thankfully, one thing we Brits excel at is laughing at ourselves and mocking our own imperfections. So to tickle your funny bone, you needn’t look past Britain’s homegrown comedians, who find humour in all aspects of our everyday life.

Here are the top 20 best jokes by 20 British comedians.

1. “I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
Les Dawson, from Les Dawson’s Joke Book

2. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”
Michael McIntyre, from The Complete Laughter Box (DVD)

3. “Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.”
Sara Pascoe, at the Edinburgh Fringe, 2010

4. “What do you call an alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”
Harry Hill, from Harry Hill’s Whopping Great Joke Book

5. “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
Sean Lock, from Sean Lock: The Complete Live Collection (DVD)

6. “I said, ‘It’s serious doctor, I’ve broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”
Tommy Cooper, on his TV show

7. “Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”
Jon Richardson, from Nidiot Tour (DVD)

8. “My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
Ellie Taylor, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015

9. “I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
Lee Mack, from Hit the Road Mack (DVD)

10. “A cement mixer has ­collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
Ronnie Corbett, from The Two Ronnies: The Complete Collection(DVD)

11. “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
Frank Skinner, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2014

12. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
Nick Helm, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2011

13. “My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”
Jo Brand, during a live stand-up show

14. “Act your age, not your shoe size … that means something different on the Continent.”
Richard Herring, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2006

15. “I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead. Just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall, at the Royal Variety Performance 2010

16. “My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”
Miranda Hart, from My, What I Call, Live Show (DVD)

17. “About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”
Milton Jones, during a live stand-up show

18. “I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.”
Lee Evans, Monsters Live (DVD)

19. “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
Tim Vine, from The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book

20. “My mum’s so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”
Nish Kumar, at the Edinburgh Fringe

A bit of good news

By Adrian Monti

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/good-news/seven-seas/20-best-jokes-british-comedians/

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