The 12 funniest quotes about marriage

Bride and groom's feet

William Shakespeare might have had the definitive word on weddings (“Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage,” he said) but he’s by no means alone on finding matrimony a subject rich in wit. Of course, a happy marriage can bring a lifetime of love, companionship and fulfilment – but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a laugh at the playful sarcasm that often surrounds the topic.

Some of the finest – and funniest – minds in history have waxed lyrical on the joys of wedded bliss. Here are some of their best observations.

1. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Rita Rudner

2. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.”
Sigmund Freud

3. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
Jerry Seinfeld

4. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
Ogden Nash

5. “Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?”
Groucho Marx

6. “No! Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids – eat them!”
Homer Simpson

7. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
Socrates

8. “There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.”
Oscar Wilde

9. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”
Billy Connolly

10. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
Prince Philip

11. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
Ann Bancroft

12. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”
Mickey Rooney

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